From Pop Princess to Yuppie and the Real Deal, which UK Music Festival are you?
Summer is on the horizon, which means festival season has officially begun!
UK festivals are renowned around the globe for their creativity and their clout in capturing the coolest acts around, and each has its own distinctive clientele. Having trouble deciding which festival you should go to? Whether you want to try and get a last minute ticket for this year, or you’re planning ahead for next, we’re here to help! There are far too many festivals to mention, so we’ve picked some of our favourites.
Can you spot yourself in our UK Musical Festival line-up?
The Pop Princess
The minute you get to a festival the most important thing to do is take an Instagram selfie, choose a filter and get it posted with your #partypeople – gotta make the haters jel, right? Your drink of choice is a fruity cocktail that doesn’t contain too many calories. You love pop music and you’re most likely to be heard saying “Omigod delete that, I look a sheowww”, or, “Is that thingy from TOWIE? Omigod she looks a sheowww”. You’re happy to set your alarm clock an hour early to get your hair and makeup done professionally (so that you don’t look a sheowww). You’re so into the whole festival ‘thing’ because you go every year, but you won’t stay in a tent (Eee who actually does that?). No, no, you stay in a hotel nearby. #lifegoals
We recommend: V Festival, Hylands Park, Essex, and Weston Park, Staffordshire: 19th – 20th August.
In a nutshell: V festival takes place over one weekend at two different destinations (with the acts swapping location on the second day). The line-ups have been moving steadily towards more commercial acts, and this year it’s officially become a paradise for pop lovers everywhere. Bringing mainstream to the masses, V festival generally attracts a younger clientele, with Cara Delevigne, Louis Tomlinson, Jourdann Dunn having previously been spotted there.
Headliners: Pink, Jay Z, Ellie Goulding, Craig David.
Find out more: www.vfestival.com
Leisurely strolls around a picturesque location drinking champagne and eating artisan falafel and quinoa salad (with added kale) is something you’d happily do every week, even without the music. But you go to festivals to discover new obscure artists who “deserve to be appreciated”. Of course you’ll happily camp, if that translates as glamping in a deluxe yurt. Your go-to festival look is a floaty dress with an obligatory flower crown on your tousled waves, and biker boots that are “vintage dahhhling”.
We recommend: Festival Number 6, Portmeirion, Gwynedd, Wales: 7th – 10th September 2017.
In a nutshell: Festival Number 6 takes over an entire village – the charming coastal town of Portmeirion in Wales. Its famously quirky architecture provides one of the most stunning festival backdrops around, playing host to a rich 4-day weekend of music and culture, street theatre and immersive art. Shows take place everywhere, from a ‘lost in the woods’ stage, to the historic town hall and beyond. People really do walk around drinking champagne from plastic flutes – genuinely!
Headliners: Block Party, The Flaming Lips, Rag’N’Bone Man.
Find out more: festivalnumber6.com
The Young Raver
Glitter and neon paint adorn your body. You’re wearing the shortest shorts possible and you’re armed with glowsticks. Your style icons are all from Geordie Shore. You’re on the pull and definitely not shy about it. You’re “out-doorsy” to the extent that you like getting drunk on patios. Pass you a vodka redbull or a WKD and you’re ready to partayyy. Music-wise, as long as the artists have been in the charts at some point during the last 12 months, you won’t complain. You never want to be more than 40 minutes away from a Nandos, but a kebab at 3am will keep you going all the way home to your own bed.
We recommend: Parklife, Heaton Park, Manchester 10th – 11th June.
In a nutshell: Parklife is Manchester’s flagship music event, presented by local dance music mega-promoters The Warehouse Project. In recent years Parklife has expanded its horizons from dance to incorporate indie rock, hip hop, and alternative acts. It definitely draws a younger crowd, so if you’re under 25 and you want a rave in a field, then this is the one for you.
Headliners: Frank Ocean, 1975, Boy Better Know, Fatboy Slim, Stormzy, Carl Cox.
Find out more: www.parklife.uk.com
The Real Deal
Denim cut-offs, a Bob Marley T-shirt, a bandana and a tassel bag, plus Hunters (obviously) are your staple items. Your festival outfit has been inspired by Sienna Miller, Alexa Chung, and your queen, Kate Moss. Celeb-spotting is always good fun, but you’re far too cool to ever get over-excited about brushing shoulders with main-stage artists. Although you genuinely adore a wide range of music, you’re happy for the festival fun to be set to the soundtrack of absolutely anything. You buy your tickets before the line-up is even announced for goodness sake, so you’re definitely there for “the experience”.
We recommend: Glastonbury Festival, Worthy Farm. Pilton, Somerset: 21st -25th June 2017.
In a nutshell: Easily the most famous music festival in the world, and often the muddiest. It may be one of the UK’s oldest, but Glastonbury still kicks stronger than any other. In a league of its own, no other festival line-up sparks as much debate. It’s a music mecca. If you’ve managed to bag yourself a ticket, you can expect massive artists as well as theatre, dance, comedy, circus shows, secret acts, the best food stalls, 24-hour shenanigans and contagious hippydom. Be careful not to let those fringed suede accessories drag in the mud!
Headliners: Radiohead, Foo Fighters, Ed Sheeran.
Find out more: www.glastonburyfestivals.co.uk
The Surfer Duuude
You like surfing, boarding and skating. You prefer music that’s inoffensive and easy to get involved with. A campfire sing-along to someone strumming on their guitar is right up your street. You’re happy to walk around topless wearing just board-shorts, and you love the feel of sand between your toes. You go to festivals to “catch some waves” and show off your skills on land and on water. You’ve got long floppy hair and you call people “dude”, “bro” and “babe”. You can often be heard saying phrases such as “for sure”, and “far out”. And apparently I’m not a fan of your vocabulary.
We recommend: Boardmasters, Fistral Beach & Watergate Bay, Newquay: 9th – 13th August 2017.
In a nutshell: Hidden amongst the swell and sunshine of the south-west coast of England, Boardmasters mixes the best ‘boarders’ in the world (whether surfers or skaters) with BMX legends. Throw in a gorgeous sandy beach with a few dance DJs, folk stars, and pop favourites – and you’re good to go.
Headliners: Two Door Cinema Club, Jamiroquai, Alt-J, Stormzy.
Find out more: www.boardmasters.co.uk
The Beat Lover
Your festival outfit is simple: T-shirt, trainers and probably a sweat-drenched baseball cap. If you’re feeling brave, you might have some glitter splashed across your cheeks. You go to festivals with the rest of your #crew. You all drink copious amounts of water – for hydration, of course! And you’re constantly chewing gum. You’re there because you love “the vibe”: life is music and music is life! You’re a beautiful neon butterfly, and you’re off to discover some new “sick beats”.
We recommend: Creamfields, Daresbury: 24th – 27th August 2017.
In a nutshell: The UK’s biggest annual rave (or dance music festival, as they prefer to call them these days). Now in Daresbury, Creamfields attracts tens of thousands every year who come to party to the biggest names in dance. With mind-blowing visuals, lighting and pyrotechnics, Creamfields, like Glastonbury, needs to be experienced at least once in your life. This year is their 20th anniversary, so what better time to pop your Creamfield’s cherry?
Headliners: Alesso, The Chainsmokers, deadmau5, Eric Prydz, Tiësto, Martin Garrix.
Find out more: www.creamfields.com
The Intellectual Foodie
You’re excited for the organic, raw, vegan and gluten free food options, and to drink coconut water to help cleanse your body. Your sole purpose of going to a festival is to “chill”. You’ll definitely be going to the yoga classes at sunrise, and you’re already signed up for the lecture on quantum physics. You probably had a “gap yahhh”. Oh, there’s going to be music? Radio 2 style musicians, and you’ll be in your element.
We recommend: Wilderness, Cornbury Park, Oxfordshire: 3rd – 6th August 2017.
In a nutshell: Renowned for its serious foodie offerings as well as its music, Wilderness is popular with middle-class bohemians, who return every year for its lakeside spa, gourmet banquets, art workshops, horse-riding, theatre performances and the like. One of the more posh and pretty gatherings in the event calendar, at Wilderness you can watch a bona fide legend on the stage, enjoy a banquet feast, a science lecture, soak in a jacuzzi, and watch a one man performance of Shakespeare’s Hamlet. This is one boutique bash.
Headliners: Two Door Cinema Club, Grace Jones, Bonobo, Louis Berry.
Find out more: www.wildernessfestival.com
You my friend, are hardcore, to the core. Hell-raising screams are your alarm sound, and you brush your teeth with Jack Daniels. Setting up a tent in mud to camp in is the easy part, it’s the moshing that tires you out. Crowdsurfing is the ultimate goal. No shower, no problem! You haven’t washed for a few days anyway. You possibly have a beard. You might even have dreadlocks, but it wasn’t intentional, they just happened. The words ‘thrash’, ‘metal’ and ‘rock’ fill you with delight, and the thought of leaving with your hearing significantly impaired doesn’t faze you in the slightest. Nothing is too loud, in fact you only feel alive when your brain rattles inside your skull.
We recommend: Download Festival, Donington Park, Derby: 9th – 11th Jun 2017.
In a nutshell: Probably the most prestigious hard rock and heavy metal festival in the world. Download is three days packed full of the biggest names from the 70s right up to the newest generation, and if the heavier end of the spectrum is your thing, then Download will take a heck of a lot of beating. Make sure you warm up to avoid whiplash from all the headbanging.
Headliners: System of a Down, Biffy Clyro, Aerosmith, Sum 41, Good Charlotte.
Find out more: www.downloadfestival.co.uk
The Posh Kid
You’re trippy-go-lucky, and you’ve definitely been to Thailand (probably more than once). The thing you love most about music is when the bass drops. Your faded Nirvana T-shirt will work perfectly because it’s so dull that all of the VIP festival wrist bands you’ve amassed over the summer will stand out against it. You call everyone “mate”, or “maaate”. You use the word “literally” in every sentence. You’re going for the LOLs and to see your ex-Uni chums that you haven’t seen since you all went to Verbier on a ski-trip in January. You really can’t wait to engage in “top bants”, and get planning more debauchery.
We recommend: South West Four, Clapham Common, South West London: 26th -27th August 2017.
In a nutshell: South West Four (SW4 to those in the know) is an open-air party palace that sorts out the essentials first: music, music and more music. A coming together of the EDM world game-changers and their understudies, the four stages of house, techno, minimal, trance and electronica will fill your ears for the evening, before you head out to one of the countless after parties.
Headliners: Pendulum, deadmau5, Eric Prydz, Tinie Tempah.
Find out more: www.southwestfour.com
You can’t wait to get your pink wig out again and wear fancy dress from head to toe. You’ll obviously be wearing a bindi at some point, despite not being of Indian-ethnic decent, and you go to festivals with your kindred spirit sisters. You definitely want to party, but it’s OK because you know that cucumber, kale and ginger smoothies will help you with your hangovers. You like going to festivals to hang out in bouncy castles and find yourself in the music.
We recommend: Bestival, Lulworth Estate, Dorset: 7th – 10th September.
In a nutshell: Bestival is the summer’s last major festival, and what a finale it is. This year, DJ Rob Da Bank’s pet project moves from the Isle of White to its new home at Lulworth – an enchanting, wooded country estate on Dorset’s Jurassic Coast. With the most original boutique campsite experience, and the incredible fancy dress world of Caravanserai, Bestival is a wondrous world of discovery and adventure. If this sounds like your bag, then grab your fairy wings, and get down to Dorset.
Headliners: The XX, The Petshop Boys, Dizzee Rascal, Rag’N’Bone Man.
Find out more: http://www.bestival.net/
Hunters at Ray Bans at the ready….tell us where you’re living it up this summer? Which Festival are you heading to? Tweet us @TheGuideLpool or email firstname.lastname@example.org we’ll share the best on our socials.
*Featured Image: Creamfields Festival 2014 by Anthony Mooney